Dear Former Self,
I am sure this hard to imagine, but post-pregnancy you will develop some superhuman powers that you never thought possible. Gone are the days when you check all of the closets and behind the shower curtain for murderers as featured on every scary movie; fear doesn’t even enter your mind since exhaustion has taken over. You will become a killer of all spiders since waiting on the Husband is not always an option; aside from that, the thought of a spider being in your child’s room and possibly biting your baby will rule out all fear. Surprisingly, if the bug is small enough, you will squish them with your own fingers. You will rise at 5am and actually enjoy it, the world has not yet wakened and this is the only time you will think clearly all day.
I know this hard to imagine but some of the things you love will take a backseat because when you do have free time, you will want to catch up on your DVR. Given this new situation, I would suggest hitting the gym now because you will not see it nearly enough post baby. Please do not give all of your big clothes away because as much as you think you will never be that size again, the baby weight doesn’t come off as easily as one might think! While we are talking about baby weight, do not gain 60 pounds; it is not all water weight and the placenta is not as heavy as everyone suggests. That blog you love so much will be put on hold for a while so you might want to have all of the kinks worked out.
You know that commercial when the mom is disinfecting everything with Clorox? Don’t laugh because that will be you. You will want all germs out of your house so your family stops recycling the same cold over and over again. You will become a pro at cleaning poop out of clothes and you will find yourself saying, “I hope this doesn’t stain.” While we are talking about poop, you will become an expert on poop-color, consistency, quantity. Okay, you get the picture. You are now the woman who goes to the grocery at 9pm on Saturday night and excited because no one else is there. So, go out with your friends and drink for the both of us because while you are sleeping in tomorrow, I will have already had a full day.